...Linger with in my mind, my soul, my heart... These emotions ache in the deep core of my marrow. And yet I find myself at a loss, ahn after ahn, day by day, hand slipping into a moon now. Emotions well, they are quelled. I am at war with my own beating heart and mind.
I have never been a woman to fall prey to emotions of any kind. Always just content to be self absorbed and drawn into my own self. Vain and reserved. Modest and ignored. A shadow to my former house. How I miss my life there, the duties I had that kept me busy, a larma for reward when I have gone above and beyond. A comfortable place to sleep with the other girls. Oh how I miss my sisters, it is heavy upon my heart. I feel the burn and ache for their comfort, for their conversation, for their gentle nature. None of the girls I was roomed with where like these Arian types. They were not overly lusty or busty. We all had different sensations the Slavers drew out of us.
Yes I have my weakness, my needs and desires. My wants and cravings. My own demons of lust. However, I do not act upon them, least they be discovered and forced upon me. I am helpless then, and I succumb to their very demands that burn deep inside of me. The molten liquid that spreads down like quick sand through my body. Capturing me and forcing my ultimate surrender.
I have done all I can to avoid the bastard Slaver. Several nights back I had given an honest beautiful compliment to his girl Silk, and in turn, in return for the compliment he called me catty. Now, I know that I should not have felt anything, but I was livid. I felt the anger and hate rip through me. My eyes burned until my vision was blurry with the threat of tears. My nose even stung from the brutal attack of emotions. It cut me to the quick, and I wanted nothing more than to seem him fall over dead right then and there.
Even to this day, it has halted any desire to be noticed by the man. To be touched by him. To see him. One honest attempt and he rips me to shreds with one compliment. Perhaps it is well that the En Girl, Phe had shown back up again. Perhaps now he will find a reason to be happy and less pron to his moments of dark emotion.
He and I are too much alike. Hidden from all around, refusal to allow any living thing near us. Save for me, I actually do, just not him. The girls, I find reasons to like them, ignore the rest, and stay out of their way when it comes to him. I hate jealousy, do not even wish to be apart of it. So I just do as I need to. If I am undesired the women cannot hate me. They will be easier to teach if I am of no threat to them.
There are times, many times I miss a few I have crossed paths with in my journey through the city. They some how engaged me and drew me in. However, the Slaver, he had me on the cusp a few times of giving over, and then always threw something in my face, or gave a threat to me. Causing my walls to seal up tight and not permit entry. He confesses to me, a great many things. I actually felt the need to comfort him, and I did. For such a time as he was tired and fallen asleep. I could not leave however, chained to his couch in such a manner. And I was not going to pass up the ability to sleep on lush furs, so I did. Then when released I made a strong point to avoid him since.
Lately I find myself seeking out Elsa, my precious sister. We might be on the same chain, but she is my sister in my heart. Around her I relax and the world makes sense to me.
Some call me a puzzle, he calls me insufferable. If I am such, why is he bent on having these conversations and then never actually having them. I am just done with going to find him after my chores, if he actually wants something from me, he will command it. Until then I will remain unseen for the most part. Why subject myself to it, it is just irritating and annoying to lose time waiting for him when I have chores or other things to do.
At times I rarely understand those around me, and I am the one they call a puzzle. Perhaps I am less of a puzzle than they think, if they even cared to look close enough to see what really lay before them, they might stop trying to force something from me. I am not a silk pet, I will not walk around dripping with fuck me now written all over my body.
Perhaps as I am approaching my twenty fifth var, I am finding I am less confident about who I am? Or what kind of woman I am? I am a kajira, through and through, but nothing like the others.
It matters little really. In the end it does not matter at all how I feel, what i think, what i say, or what I do. I am nothing. Less than the pile of shit from a bosk. No rights, allowed to breathe only because some man said I could. It was all about them, them and their selfish nature and their rule. Which brings another question, why fight to move up the "ranks" of a chain if in truth, it did not matter if you were En or a nothing kettle slave, for still we are nothing. It is just one of those areas I have always questioned, why do girls fight so viciously for placement? What really was the point, to stress, fight, hate one another, when someone else can come along and that is it, you are busted down to zip and the new bauble is pulled up and she (still nothing) has the title En or whatever.
Men are the most confusing creatures. Not one is the same. It is a confusing life.
Perhaps.... perhaps I will find my place back among the nothings and my life will return to what it was before.
Still on another note, why does this slaver call me his... In all sense of the word I belong to his house, just like the brick and mortar. I am a house slave, not his... still more confusing than I am. This makes little sense, and really while I know he will read it, I could careless. I am continuing to write so I do not have to deal with him. I am watching Phe, as she serves now. It is good to see her once more. This should make my life much easier. I still miss Elsa, even Gia.
Perhaps it is time to lay this quill to rest. Leave the rest of these emotions to die and become wraiths and phantoms once more.
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